Two Marines--Funny Story

Two Marines

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Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.  

Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, 

“I think I’ll get up and get a coke.” 

“No problem,” said the Soldier, 

“I’ll get it for you.” While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier’s shoe and spit in it.  When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said,

 “That looks good, I think I’ll have one too.” 

Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier’s other shoe and spit in it.  

The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. 

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. 

“How long must this go on?” the Soldier asked. 

“This fighting between our services?  This hatred?  This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?”

The Captain--Funny Story

The Captain

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The Captain called the Sergeant in.  

“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday.  Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.  

“Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. 

“Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP.  Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers.  The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance.  Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.” 

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.  

“Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died.  Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?” 

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, 

“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died.  You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.” 

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.  

“Ok, men, fall in and listen up.  Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.  NOT SO FAST, McGrath!”

Prayer Meeting--Funny Story

Prayer Meeting

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One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, 

"Acts 2:38: 'Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'" 

The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police. While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, 

"Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily. How come you gave up so quickly?" The robber said, 

"She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

Yo Mama So Fat Singing--Funny Story

Yo Mama So Fat Singing

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Yo momma so fat, everytime she starts singing people leave.

Yo momma so fat, she gets confronted every time she drinks or smokes because everyone thinks shes pregnant.

Yo mama so fat, she masterbates to the food channel

Yo mama so fat the government shut her down along with the rest of the national parks.

Yo mama so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

Yo mama so fat, she had a nice personality, but ate it.

yo mama is so fat when she bent over and showed her crack the grand canyon said "DAMMMMMMMMMMN"

yo mama so fat she can do the truffle shuffle better than Chunk in "The Goonies"

Yo mama so fat they found carmen san diego in between one of her chins

Yo momma so fat, she curves space and time. 

After Giving A Sermon--Funny Story

After Giving A Sermon

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The Baptist preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church. 

"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand. 

As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.

"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!" 

"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered. 

"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you." 

Airport Security--Funny Story

Airport Security 

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A stats professor plans to travel to a conference by plane.hilarious joke of the day

When he passes the security check, they discover a bomb in his carry-on-baggage.

Of course, he is hauled off immediately for interrogation.

"I don't understand it!" the interrogating officer exclaims.

"You're an accomplished professional, a caring family man, a pillar of your parish - and now you want to destroy that all by blowing up an airplane!"

"Sorry", the professor interrupts him.

"I had never intended to blow up the plane."

"So, for what reason else did you try to bring a bomb on board?!"

"Let me explain. Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. That's quite high if you think about it - so high that I wouldn't have any peace of mind on a flight."

"And what does this have to do with you bringing a bomb on board of a plane?"

"You see, since the probability of one bomb being on my plane is 1/1000, the chance that there are two bombs is 1/1000000. If I already bring one, the chance of another bomb being around is actually 1/1000000, and I am much safer..." 

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A Physicist--Funny Story

A Physicist

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Wife or Girlfriend A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend. 

The physicist: 

"A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment." 

The mathematician:

 "A wife. You have security." 

The computer scientist:

 "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..." 

God Granting Miracles--Funny Story

God Granting Miracles

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A religious man is on top of a roof during a great flood. A man comes by in a boat and says "get in, get in!" The religous man replies,

" no I have faith in God, he will grant me a miracle."

Later the water is up to his waist and another boat comes by and the guy tells him to get in again.

He responds that he has faith in god and god will give him a miracle.

With the water at about chest high, another boat comes to rescue him, but he turns down the offer again cause

"God will grant him a miracle."

With the water at chin high, a helicopter throws down a ladder and they tell him to get in, mumbling with the water in his mouth, he again turns down the request for help for the faith of God. He arrives at the gates of heaven with broken faith and says to Peter, I thought God would grand me a miracle and I have been let down." St. Peter chuckles and responds,

"I don't know what you're complaining about, we sent you three boats and a helicopter."

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Parrot Buying--Funny Story

Parrot Buying

 

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars".

 "Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks.

The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer."

 The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system."

 Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told "That one costs 2,000 dollars."

 Needless to say this begs the question "What can IT do?"

 To which the owner replies "To be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"